Talking adoption with a 7 year old
We don’t talk about adoption a lot around here because quite simply we forget that Eva was adopted.
But sometimes it pops up.
The other day Cole made some comment in the car about me “sorta” being Eva’s mom. I corrected him and told him that I am just as much her mom as I am his (and his two brothers as well). He asked if he or Blake or Austin were adopted. I said no.
He asked if Eva has two moms. I said, “well yes. But I am the only mom she has ever known.”
All the while thinking I need to be better prepared for when these convos just pop up out of the blue. He has asked me before, and I think he just can’t wrap his brain around the whole thing. He used to go around telling people we bought her. Sigh. That killed me.
He asked me why anyone would want to give their baby away. Ah. That loaded question.
I explained to my best ability what I knew, and balanced it with what I could actually tell him. And tried to assure him that her first mama loved her enough to want a better life for her. Is this the truth? Well, all that a 7 year old needs to hear. Because of course he went on to ask if I thought about giving him up when he was a baby.
I mentioned on here before about how I try not to let people bother me, the “she’s adopted” whispers don’t always make me sad. But I know they might make her sad someday. She is our child just as much as the ones that I carried for 9 months. And whoever doesn’t get that? Well, not my problem.
The older boys don’t talk about it. Eva is their sister, plain and simple. They have told me that they forget she is adopted. In fact, Austin’s friends probably love her more than any of the other kids friends. Who would have thought this from 13 year old boys? Austin says probably once a day “Eva’s awesome”. Out of the blue. For no reason. And I just nod, “yep”. It’s crazy to think that he was the one that questioned it the most when we told the boys are plan to adopt. Now he’s the one that tells me she needs a sister. 13, it’s not such a bad age.
Should we be talking about it more? I guess. I want to always be open with her, yet not have it define her. I would love suggestions from those that have gone down this road.
In the meantime, here is a pic my friend snapped with her iphone
For those that have been asking me about iPhone pictures and trouble getting them onto the blog-
I have the flickr app on my iPhone and I load the pics onto flickr right of my phone. Then I can pull the pics from flickr and put them on my blog (I do this on the computer). That way the pictures are bigger and don’t get wonky.
Let me know if you have other questions about it.
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Perrin | 17th Mar 11
Hi,
I think you are smart to keep up the conversation with all the kids. Our kids are 9 and 5 now and I’m still amazed at the comments we get…when I’m there its not ever a problem…but now they are navigating on their own more at school. I forget they are adopted, but then bam, we will get a comment at the school lunch table about being her mother since we don’t look alike. The kids are just curious, but what is important is to give our kids the tools and the power to handle those situations with grace and confidence. Do you have the book called W.I.S.E up Powerbook? It’s been helpful for us. Good luck with your amazing kids! Keep them talking.
Amy Jo | 17th Mar 11
Thanks Elisa for the photo advice!
elizabeths | 17th Mar 11
Yup I’m adopted as I have mentioned too. And Cole reminds me of me when I was little. Me asking my mom why I was up for adoption and telling my mom I missed my real mom as I used to refer to her as a little girl. My mom would always respond “I am your mom”.It always made me feel so good to hear that. And it’s true. She was all I knew. My mom is white and well so is the rest of my siblings except for another brother is also adopted. He is bi-racial. I remember being embarrased going to school b/c all the kids would look at me and then my parents. There wasnt’ alot of interacial families where I grew up so to them I’m sure it was strange,but kids are curious. Anyways, my life is wonderful and I agree with you and responding to Cole saying that Evas mom wanted a better life for her. I was born in Vietnam during the war and Im sure I wouldn’t be where I am today hadn’t my parents adopted me. Adoption is wonderful and Eva is in a wonderful family who loves her. That’s all that matters in life.
Hannah | 17th Mar 11
It’s a lot for a child to absorb. He is probably just sorting through his own feelings and questions and to be honest his own insecurities. My oldest brother is adopted and I STILL forget he is. I am constantly saying how my nephew gets his height from our dad or how his eyes are just like grandpa had. I totally forget. I forget with my own children too. My mom once gave me the advice of starting young and tell their story to them at bedtime. She started when Stephen was an infant. Her theory was that by the time they are old enough to absorb it you’ll have lost any nerves you may have. I have done that with both my kids and it really does seem to help. It could be that your seven year old is just wanting to confirm with you that his place is secure.
It’s weird. Dmitry put me through every deep question imaginable starting around 4.5 So I thought it would be easier with Sophia but it’s like starting all over again because she has totally different feelings and fears.
Antionette | 30th Jan 13
I am still trying to figure out how I will start telling my 7yr old. I have started talking to hime at the age of 51/2yrs but he still did not understand. He only said “that’s impossible!” Help I think he may not love me the way he does now. I love this child the moment I held him in my arms and the love his grown soo big that I hurt when he is hurt.