Most of us do this parenting gig by trial and error. We can read books, or take advice from older generation, but for the most part I personally fly by the seat of my pants. When my older boys were little I researched every topic out there- I read books called Raising sugar-free toddlers (Ha!), Siblings without Rivalry, every book ever written by Dr. Sears. But sometimes life throws things at you and the solution can’t be found at your local library. Like what to say to your kids when you learn that your neighbors teenage boy died last night.
My policy with my kids is honesty. I believe that kids know when they are not being told, they figure it out anyway, and then don’t trust you to tell them the truth. So I usually put it out there, with as much information as I feel is appropriate for their ages. They will talk to each other, they will talk to their friends.
I was shaking when I told them, I couldn’t look at their faces. I walked into the room and just threw it out there and then waited. Waited for them to process it, to think it over, to ask questions. I sat down, and waited some more. Blake just looked at me, then said, “he died??” I said yes, and that was it for him. Austin’s eyes got teary, he asked how. Waterskiing. He asked about his two younger brothers (one that is the same age as him). I told him they were fine. He was quiet, said he was ok. Throughout the day he came to me with questions and I told him what I knew. I could see the wheels turning in his head. He mentioned that this is the first person that he has known that has died.
It shouldn’t take tragedy to remind me to squeeze my kids a little more, but of course it always does. I made a point of turning off the machine at 5pm today. To lay on the hammock and count the different colors of green in the many trees in our backyard with my oldest son. To kiss his head and remind him how very special he is. To not get frustrated when he misplaced his shoes for the millionth time. It’s easy to expect so much of the older ones, to forget how much they still need from me.
My heart is breaking for the mom down the street that is mourning her oldest son tonight. Life is so very fragile.
I’m going to go hug my little guy right now.
I got goose bumps reading this. My 2 boys immediately popped into my head when I read this. My heart aches for the mother. It’s something as a mom I think about alot. What if this happens or what if this is the last time I see them today? I will be saying a prayer for her and her family. God bless them.
Gah! My heart aches….
I’m so sorry… Prayers are with the family and your family, too.
You consistently inspire me!! Seriously. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now (several months) and I LOVE how you look at life. I feel strangely like we could be friends. Weird I know. Just wanted to say that you are blessing me all the way down here in central Texas. I’m in the same stage of life you are and I do get it. Thanks so much for being brave enough to share your life with us.
Martha
By the way, I didn’t mean to sound so chipper in response to your post. I was just struck with compassion for you and your neighbor and realized it was time I posted a comment. Forgive me for being insensitive!!
Martha
Martha I tried to respond to you directly but my email was rejected. I didn’t think you were being insensitive, I love how the internet can bring you friends that you would otherwise never have. And make you feel like you are not alone.
Life is just not fair sometimes and this is a perfect example but we all do our share to support the family and try to move on. His 10 year old brother is in my backyard right now singing songs on the trampoline with all the other kids. Kids adjust. Of course his parents are at home planning a funeral. 🙁
SO thank you for the cyber hug, I often wonder if I am putting too much out there but I get so many emails saying they relate and that keeps me going, telling it like it is.
Elisa,
Thanks for the reply. I’m so sorry my email rejected you. I’m so not technical, otherwise I’d figure out what’s up and fix it. Thanks for your words. Kids are amazing. Totally resilient. Please don’t think you put too much out there. You are affecting people and encouraging us mamas who try to balance it all. Have a great week!!
Martha
mrsmartha@grandecom.net